THE PENALTY BOX, ISSUE No. 1 We'd like to thank Regis Plamondon, Hans Meyer, Jody O'Halloran, Dave Moore, Jeff Grothier, the King and Queen of Sweden and veteran character actor Harry Dean Stanton for contributing to this report. If you enjoy reading this just half as much as we've enjoyed writing it, then we've enjoyed it twice as much as you. — Rob Shore (BTW, if you know anyone for whatever reason not on the WLUHL mailing list, please send it to them. My recent case of carpal tunnel won't allow me to do so. Funny, I didn't have that before compiling this newsletter.) 1. Awards (Forward of the Week, D-Man of the Week, Goalie of the Week, Goon of the Week). 2. WLUHL Power Rankings 3. Brother Love Interview 4. News and notes ============================================== PERIODICAL AWARDS "Hi all and welcome to the first edition of the Penalty Box. I don't think I mentioned the money aspect when I asked for nominees. In case you have forgotten or are new to the league the first star/goon gets $25,000, the second star/goon gets $15,000 and the third star/goon gets $7,500. With that out of the way lets get to the our first stars of this season. " — Jason Kolsrud in a just-recovered edition of the Penalty Box, which will be documented in the new movie coming this Christmas, "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Wilm" FORWARDS NO. 1 STAR: Brandan Shanahan (Pylons): 6 gls, 8 assts., 14 pts, 8 games The Pylons took off right out of the gate at 6-1-1, and Brendan Shanahan is a big reason why, ranking with the league leaders in goals and points. Two of Shanny's goals came on the power play and one was a game winner. NO. 2 STAR: Martin Rucinsky (Crunch) 8 gls, 5 assts, 13 pts, 9 games OK, we're a bit confused. With Lindros, Hossa, Gilmour and Palffy on the roster, Martin Rucinsky is your team's leading scorer? That said, Rucinsky has obviously been excellent so far. NO. 3 STAR: Tony Amonte (Freeze) 6 gls, 8 assts, 14 pts, 9 games Close to the same numbers that Shanahan put up, but in one more game than the Pylons star. Scored once on the power play, one short-handed goal and another was a game-winner. SEASON STANDINGS Brendan Shanahan (Pylons) 3 pts $25,000 Martin Rucinsky (Crunch) 2 pts $15,000 Tony Amonte (Freeze) 1 pt $7,500 ============================================= DEFENSEMEN NO. 1 STAR: Frederick Olausson (Crunch) 3 gls, 5 assts, 8 pts, +9, 8 games Yeah, most of this came with the Capital City Law Makers, but so what? If you wanna cash in on your guy's big games, don't trade him before the Penalty Box comes out! Olausson has proven to be much more than a power play specialist so far. NO. 2 STAR: Oleg Tverdovsky (Pylons) 2 gls, 7 assts, 9 pts, +6, 8 games Another relocated defenseman, Tverdovsky has been oustanding on the offensive end, as he stands among the leaders in defenseman scoring. The +6 shows he hasn't been napping in his own end either. NO. 3 STAR: Marek Malik (Black Dogs) 5 gls, 1 asst, 6 pts, +3, 7 games Malik has been one of the most accurate shooters in the league so far, blistering opposing goalies by potting 33 percent of his shots so far. Malik's +3 on a .500 team really impressed the Penalty Box's Regis Plamondon. SEASON STANDINGS Frederik Olausson (Crunch) 3 pts $25,000 Oleg Tverdovsky (Pylons) 2 pts $15,000 Marek Malik (Black Dogs) 1 pts $7,500 ============================================ GOALIES NO. 1 STAR: Martin Brodeur (Melted Ice) 8-1-0 in 9 games, 3 SOs, 1.89 GAA, .944 save pct. You want to know the reason the Melted Ice has been the best team in the league so far? You're looking at him. It's hard to lose when you give up no goals. The Penalty Box puts a premium on save percentage, as you can tell from this week's winners. NO. 2 STAR: Steve Valiquette (Reservoir Dogs) 6-2-0 in 8 games, 1.51 GAA, .943 save pct. To Richard Farley of the Sea Lions: I had nothing to do with John Grahame getting snubbed! Nothing! I swear! (And by the way, Valiquette has been awesome. His league-leading GAA is almost more impressive when you consider he's not thrown a single shutout.) NO. 3 STAR: Felix Potvin (Black Dogs) 2-3-0 in 6 games, 2 SOs, 1.64 GAA, .943 save pct. "I don't really know why the Black Dogs have only won three games." — Penalty Box awards coordinator Regis Plamondon SEASON STANDINGS Martin Brodeur (Melted Ice) 3 pts $25,000 Steve Valiquette (R-Dogs) 2 pts $15,000 Felix Potvin (Black Dogs) 1 pts $7,500 ============================================ GOONS NO. 1 GOON: Denis Bonvie (Ice Barons) 49 PIM in 4 games More impressive than his league leading 12.3 PIM/game is the fact that he fought Dragons monster Georges Laracque to a draw. That 12 minutes a game he spends in the pokey is more than double the time he actually averages on the ice. NO. 2 GOON: Peter Worrell (Reservoir Dogs) 58 PIM, 3-0-0 fighting record in 8 games Already challenging for Paul Laus' Golden Gloves title, since the Freeze defenseman is apparently going for the Lady Byng trophy this year. Sadly, the Worrell-Laus matchup in Day 4 was a washout, since Laus wouldn't drop the gloves. NO. 3 GOON: Bill Guerin (Goal Busters) 51 PIM in 8 games Earth to Guerin: You are too talented for this, as your 7 goals so far would seem to indicate. The Goal Busters need you to score goals not misconducts. SEASON STANDINGS Dennis Bonvie (Ice Barons) 3 pts $25,000 Peter Worrell (Reservoir Dogs) 2 pts $15,000 Bill Guerin (Goal Busters) 1 pt $7,500 ======================================== WLUHL POWER RANKINGS by Rob Shore and Jody O'Halloran (Not hard to figure out which comments are Jody.) 1. WISCONSIN MELTED ICE (8-1-0): Those of us at the Penalty Box picked the Melted Ice to finish fourth in the American Conference's Northern Division, which probably shows what we all know. And if the Melted Ice are this good now, we're really not looking forward to the day that Dany Heatley and Marian Gaborik take the ice in the WLUHL. 2. CALIFORNIA SEA LIONS (8-1-0): The thriftiest of GMS in the WLUHL, the Sea Lions have cut costs further than ever before, especially after having to spend $1300 in order to get the Sea Loins erroneously spelled jerseys corrected prior to game day. Each season, the hockey ticket prices rise by at least 30%, and at this rate, within the next ten years, shall eclipse the prices set for hot dogs and cups of watered down beer. 3. PINKERTON PYLONS (6-1-1): Hmm. Lives in a fictional town. Makes the most money of any team in the league. Not a single Tim Hortons Donut Shop in this fictional town. Prefers margarine to butter. .Does NOT like maple syrup. And the Canadian government is not one bit suspicious? Obviously, the Pylons have friends high up on the totem pole. 4. CAP CITY LAW MAKERS (7-1-0): Recently obtained Chris Chelios in an obvious attempt to claim their right to the Stumpy Cup. Chelios should shore up the defensive skills of the offensively minded attack. Last year they let in a heckload of goals, this year they should cut that down by half! 5. MISSISSAUGA MEATHEADS (6-2-0): Rumour has it from an confidential source that the Meathead GM is an Abba fan, and has Abba collectibles all over his room. One university associate that will go by the name of "Mr O." said this: "Well, sure, he did have this phase where he wore bell bottoms all the time, including bell bottom pajamas, and he did always end sentences lyrically with the word Fernaaandooo, but we just figured it was a phase. ... We never knew how far this would go." Also, trouble is brewing in the Meathead locker room, with Jeremy Roenick complaining that ever since the arrival of Peter Forsberg, he has gotten 5 seconds less ice time a game than before and is very bitter about it. "Also," added Mr O., "This is hush-hush, but I've recently heard word the Meathead GM is a Linux Longhair, and has actually seen FreeBSD in action! Communist sounding, if you ask me. And averaging five goals a game is a good indication they've still got that goal light set on a Christmas light timer." 6. SHASTA RESERVOIR DOGS (6-2-0): There's a good chance this team will eclipse last year's point totals by the next Penalty Box. 7 NEWFOUNDLAND SCREECH (5-2-1): The one team from last years expansion that is doing really well, and a possible cup contender? 8. ST. GEORGE DRAGONS (4-2-2): This was supposed to be a rebuilding year for the Dragons, but maybe not if they keep playing like this. Reportedly, Georges Laracque's contract calls for a bonus for every time he's suspended by the league. 9. TOLEDO FREEZE (4-3-2): Paul Laus must have been abducted by aliens who reversed his brain patterns (a la Steve Dallas in "Bloom County"). That's the only reason we can think of why he doesn't drop the gloves anymore. Incidentally, the Freeze started off hot before hitting a skids in their last few games. (Oh, news just in! An unknown person has placed a bounty on the skates of Jeremy Roenick of the Meatheads of a bakers dozen donuts from Tim Hortons restaurant.. :) ) 10. GUELPH EDGE (3-2-3): The expansion class of WLUHL9 appears to be coming of age with the Sea Lions (ranked No. 2), Reservoir Dogs (No. 6) and Edge all starting off hot. As far as we know, the Edge are still looking for takers for Olie the Goalie. 11. CHICAGO WINTER HAWKS (3-2-3): Lesse, the season has started, so the Winter Hawks must be near the top. So what else is knew? 12. GORDO GOLIATHS (4-4-0): C'mon, did anyone think that the Goliaths would be ahead of perennial playoff teams such as the Terriers and the Hitmen? OK, we put them there purely because it amuses us, but still! Apparently, Gordo owner Mike Nevitt is determined to keep the Goliaths in the mix of things this year (and at least one expansion team has made the playoffs in each of the last three years.) 13. QUABBIN CRUNCH (3-3-2): Despite restructuring, it appears the Crunch are still a noteworthy team, and appear to be playoff bound. Lindros has been on the trading block, and one would wonder if he (or his mommy and daddy) had a falling out with Crunch GM Jeff Grothier. 14. HULL GOAL BUSTERS (4-4-0): Little known fact about the Penalty Box: Most ties in the Power Rankings go to the Goal Busters to show our appreciation to the team's owner, who helps out with this stuff. 15. KITCHENER TERRIERS (3-3-2): Rumour has it from an anonymous source that we shall call Mr O. that between the years of 1993-1995 that the Terrier GM met and cavorted with Russian KGB agents. Little incrimidating evidence can be found except for the maiming of three Barnburner hockey players a week back. Coincidence? We will leave you to be the judge. The Terriers seem to have found their mojo once again after a hideous start, and are going to be in top form no doubt for another postseason heartbreak. Much like the islanders, the Terriers are in a 20-year rebuilding period. And much unlike the islanders, it seems to work. 16. WATERLOO HITMEN (3-3-2): Like we said before, the fourth place team in the Maurice Richard division will end up being a Stumpy Cup contender. And we're sticking by that, so don't shed any teams for WLUHL Commissioner-for-Life Jason Stumpf. 17. CAPE BRETON SLASH (3-3-2): With Sakic and Bure (the talented one) on the roster, it's only a matter of time before the SLaSH makes a run. 18. QUEBEC KNIGHTS (3-5-0): Peter Forsberg has now played for four different WLUHL teams in the past four seasons after Marc Hebert sent him packing. 19. VICTORVILLE VOODOO (3-5-0): It's a good thing the Victorville Voodoo won the Stumpy Cup last season, because that loud bang you just heard was their window of opportunity slamming shut. 20. HALIFAX FORCE (3-5-0): Go, Jaromir, go! 21. BIRMINGHAM ICE BARONS (3-6-0): If the much-rumored Hawks-Barons trade goes through, it will totally change the compexion of this team. 22. NEWFOUNDLAND BLACK DOGS (2-7-0): Hard to believe that the Black Dogs haven't won more games than they have with the stellar goaltending of Felix Potvin so far. 23. MILFORD BARN BURNERS (1-6-1): The Burners have been much victimized by their conference rivals of late, with the evil shenanigans of the Terriers maiming no less than three individuals, including two top quality (by Burner standards) players. They have only had one game (the first game) with a full roster intact. The Burners are still infuriated of the insults rained forth by the Sea Lions coach suggesting confused sexuality issues on the part of the Burners and their strange hazing initiation rituals, and insist that the Burners' fully-unretractable ice surface, the YeeOld Memorial County Auditorium was named thus way before the Burners came into existence, let alone the before the Village People made the song YMCA. 24. SIERRA SPIDERS (1-8-0): The spiders have issued forth proven hate-literature against Ontario, said confidential informant Mr. O. He goes in great depth of criticizing two teams, the Barnburners and the Terriers of both being "bottom dwellers" and the Burners "not being a fun team to lose to." "No other province or state has so much of an abundance of negatitivity labelled at them. Doctrine such as this slander will result in stiff checks from Craig Berube," said Mr. O. "Well, at least, thats what I would do if I was an WLUHL coach, which I insist I am not." 25. INDIANAPOLIS RACERS (0-7-1): The least offensive team in the league (ed note: with the Meatheads by FAR being the MOST offensive HAHAHA), their defense has been adequate, and one or two players who can actually put the puck in the net may mean a not so dismal season afterall, but things don't look good this year at all right now. 26. MOSCOW SOVIET WINGS (0-8-0): Prompts the question "What day did God create The Soviet Wings, and could he not have rested on that day as well?" Averaging one goal a game for, 6 goals against will set them in the annals of WLUHL history. =========================================== BROTHER LOVE INTERVIEW by Hans Meyer My dear brothers and sisters, welcome to the inaugural Brother Love interview for the 2001 WLUHL season. It's so good to be back with you, my brothers, spreading the love I feel for all of you. As usual, I have a special guest with me in the studio tonight. This is a man I hope you all get to meet and beat up on. That's right, my brothers, Brother Vlad doesn't mind if you beat up on him. No, no, he doesn't. He has grander plans and visions in his mind, ways to dominate this league a few years down the road. So let's dispense with the pleasantries and get right to the grilling. Brothers and Sisters, may I present to you Vladimir Zhivov, general manager and coach of the Moscow Soviet Wings ... BRO. LOVE: It's sooo good to have you here, my brother. Thanks for coming on such short notice. VLAD: It wasn't a problem, Brother. It's not like I have to pay much attention to my team this year. LOVE: Yes, yes, I understand. You really do suck, don't you. Hey, but at least you got to beat the Barnburners the other night. Maybe that will make that Jody O'Halloran weirdo shut up for a while. VLAD: Actually it had quite the opposite effect. He's flooding the league with press releases. LOVE: Yes, yes, I know. Oh well! Now, my brothers, before we get too far into the interview I must explain that my first guest, who is typically my first guess of the new season, Hans K. Meyer, GM of the Victorville Voodoo, could not be here today. Do you know why Vlad? VLAD: Haven't the foggiest. LOVE: He said something about wedding plans. Can you imagine that -- a man who puts his own personal life above ice hockey! What is the world coming too? VLAD: Don't really know. Hey, can we get on with this? I've got a date tonight. LOVE: Yes, yes, I'm sorry. Okay Vlad, baby, my first question is this: Who are you, my brother? VLAD: I have no particular qualifications for owning a team, other than a large ego, and limited business sense. As to the reason the team is located in Moscow, let's just say an appropriate name for the team would have been Moscow Cleaners if you take my meaning. LOVE: No, no, I don't. Next question: As an expansion team GM, how do you plan to build your team into a Cup champion? VLAD: I plan to trade any half-valuable asset for draft picks, and hope some of those prospects are home-runs. Turco and the Sedin twins are a good start, and we'll just go from there. LOVE: Specifically, tell us about your goal-scoring strategy? VLAD: Our strategy is to groom Clarke Wilm into a 50 goal-scorer -- if he gets enough ice-time, he is a lock. LOVE: Interesting. I've never heard of him. Okay, then tell us about your defense. VLAD: Our team will play defense by putting large bodies all over the ice - a lot like the pylon drill. We have a lot of pylons. As announced earlier our motto is "fists of steel, skates of lead". Unfortunately most teams are afraid of us. LOVE: That begs an interesting question, then my brother. If you could have any player in the league, who would it be? VLAD: Georges Laracque - he would be our poster boy. LOVE: Which game on your team's schedule do you most look forward to playing and why? VLAD: We expect to lose all our games, so no particular opponent stands out. LOVE: Now, I know your team sucks, but the travel schedule can't be helping. How will your team deal with its demanding travel schedule? VLAD: The travel schedule is nothing, compared to other handicaps facing the team. The home crowds in Moscow are full of spirit (and spirits), so it makes for lively, carnival-like atmosphere. The addition of Tie Domi has really electrified the home fans. LOVE: Well that just about does it for me. Vlad, my brother, thank you so much for your time. The Voodoo can't wait to play you because they suck this year as well. I mean, I can't wait to see that game. Do you have anything you'd like to add? VLAD: As far as trash talk goes, I have already won as many championships as Brad, so things can only get better. In fact we'll probably win the title before the Terriers. LOVE: Touché, touché. Take that Brad. On that note, we will leave you. Thanks once again for tuning in. ============================================ CRUNCH RANTINGS The Crunch are still in mourning over the loss of Bourque and Chelios but the play of Olausson and Phillips has helped relieve the pressure off the rest of the defensive troops. Lindros is responding well to his reduced playing time and has 12pts in 8 games, he is second only to Rucinsky who has been on a tear with 13pts. Management is still in turmoil over which direction to take the team, they feel they can make another pretty good run at the cup, but with Lindros saying he is going to be taking next season off to rest his battered body the future doesn't look quite as bright. Team owner and GM Jeff Grothier has stated that more veteran heads may be moved in order to make a stronger run at the cup in season 13 or 14 with a healthy Lindros back in the lineup. Grothier wouldn't say who would be moved but recent rumours around the league had Gilmour, who has 11 pts in his first 8 games, as the next veteran heading out of Quabbin. Black Dogs report: Marek Malik continues to impress despite the Black Dog's awful start. His Shooting percentage of 37.5 is fantastic for a defenseman and 5 goals in 7 games puts him on a pace that rivals Lucky Luc Robitaille's. All despite seeing some really weak offensive numbers for the rest of the team. Rick Tocchet is once again doing it all, scoring, playing strong defence and hammering opposing players with bone jarring hits. His mere 29 minutes in penalty minutes barely suggests the damage he does on the ice and the extra room he makes for linemates such as Robitaille or Eastwood. Rookie Scott Gomez is slowly adjusting to the Black Dog offense, but it is a struggle for him to handle both the center and left wing responsibilities. It is expected that he will soon be seeing only action at one of those positions. In net, Felix Potvin has been awesome, but is having poor luck when it comes to scoring support from his team-mates. The team expects to play a less wide-open style in the coming weeks and this will only help Potvin improve his stats futher. The recent addition of a team witch-doctor - Dr.Ebue Nowombai has rendered immediate results, and seems to have brought the team back to life. Veteran goalie Tom Barasso said, "Even when we lose now, we are making it close and giving some of the top teams a bit of a scare. If you realize that we are back on track even after losing defensive titan Rhett Warrener, then you can't help but belive that Dr. No has made this team wake up and play hard." As for the slow start, the team is not ready to panic yet, this same team won only 2 of their first 17 games last year and ended up taking their division with a very strong second half. Team officials see this year's team being better on paper and fully expect the team to improve on last year's record. SHASTA RESERVOIR DOGS LOWDOWN After a rough 0-2-0 start against two of the league's better teams — hey, the Screech and Freeze are pretty damned good, y'know! — the Reservoir Dogs slipped into the groove, winning their next six games. The one highlight in the 0-2 skid was Paul Laus refusing to drop the gloves against Peter Worrell, now 15-0-3 in his last 18 fights. Worrell taunted Laus the entire game until the Freeze defensman finally screamed, "OK! Fine! My mother DOES wear combat boots, OK?" With that, Laus went back to the Freeze locker room and wept. The R-Dogs came back to beat the Screech 4-1, which started the team on its long winning streak, which included a 3-2 victory over the feared Terriers and a 2-1 win over the Ice Barons, in which Mike Ricci scored the game-winner. Worrell also soundly pummelled Tomas Holmstrom, complaining afterward that the arena needed to be fumigated, as mosquitoes kept bothering him. The Reservoir Dogs later won games over the Edge (2-1) and the Goal Busters (3-2), with Steve Valiquette making a career-high 41 saves in the latter. Some concern around Redding, Calif. that the Reservoir Dogs weren't winning their games by enough goals wasn't bothering team president Rob Shore. Although the team was among the top two in the league in fewest goals allowed, they merely rank in the 20s in offense. "I don't know what the problem is," Shore said. "Sure, some teams like to run up the score, but if we can win by one goal on a nightly basis as we've been doing recently, what's the problem with that? "By the way, little did we know when we traded for Doug Weight that he's be a damned spectator on offense. It wasn't a good sign when, after we dealt for him, Edge GM Kevin Snowball said, ''Y'know, he's been on our roster for three years now and we're still waiting for him to make a play.' "But we're confident the move will work out for us. And we may not be done dealing."
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